Failure

I have never felt so much as a failure as I have the last four months.
I feel as thou everything I have touched doesn't turn to gold, but in fact is rusting.

I have never felt so insecure, depressed, incompetent and unstable in my life.
My emotions vary so much daily. My job sucks!
I guess I thought I was going to love it, but training is the hardest thing I have ever had to do on multiple levels. Physically-my brain is fried there is so much to take in and understand that I want to pull my hair out.
Maybe I am just not cut-out to be a dispatcher. It's so hard. Emotionally-I am the most emotional person i know. I show up to work and just want to cry- because i have never been this bad at anything in my life. Physiologically-I am feeling not stable and continuously repeat things in my mind and can't get them out... calls, phone reports, incidents, and officers voices. Spiritually- i have no clue what I believe... I feel like I am losing it. My mind and my faith. I'm supposed to feel assured that He is with me at all times, but when I'm sitting at work, i don't even want to call out His name because we haven't talked in a while. All I eat, drink and think about is work.

It doesn't help that I don't have any close friends right now... that live in san diego.
Apparently the ones I've had needed to walk out from my life.
I haven't seen my "close" friends or roommates in 5 weeks.
I sleep in my car but no one knows that because I don't think they care.
chemo+hard night-shift job+ friendships lost= lost lucy
some people tell me to quit my job because of my health, but I can't afford life without it- no one else supports me. Not even my own mother. I can't ask her for a dime & other people aren't paying my bills.

I don't think I'm going to pass training because honestly I feel like I suck.
People can tell me I am being to hard on myself... but I know that I am usually good at all things-- and maybe dispatching isn't it. My boss told me that if I don't pass training that I no longer will have a job. That scares me. I'm going to give it two months because I feel like I can't succeed in anything in life.