my elephant, my superwhatver, my desert

i've decided that i really love teaching people a lesson. but in reality it's not ok. it's not real and it's not right.

i do things selfishly. i avoid situations. i ignore. i listen. i choice the wrong path. i am wrong. i do not act like a christian. i am sinner.

i read this non-christian book recently called a god-shaped hole... and it made me see the hole that was made for him that can only be filled by him and we all have it. being unhealthy and seeing things in a weird light-- of what if i die soon, do i want it to end like this, do i have a choice? is it really my decision? no. none of it is.
everyday i wake up and i read how the women who bled for 12 yrs was healed. trusting likewise will happen to me. i have been let done alot.. and will continue to be let down but i know that i am not alone. there has been many times when i have felt as if no one else was fighting this fight with me.. but it's not true. recently... i had an awkward conversation that probably needed to happen a long time ago. alot of truth, frustrations and realness involved.

the last 5 months, i can say that i truly have been the most of every emotion i can feel. especially the most happiest since i was 18. for so long i have lived for others, let them be sort of who i am. every time, with friends, family, work.. etc. i feel like i went on this adventure recently that allowed me to find who i am. i have no need to be wanted by people, nor to have my options heard or listened to, but im not gonna lie- we love it.

ive rediscovered who i am and what i need to do, and who i belong to. i am me. it's funny how it takes something so difficult to make someone realize who they are. i have made some decisions in my life that will affect me forever. i have been extremely real with myself and people and it's been fantastic. i have asked for forgiveness and forgiven more. i've lived.

ok. ok. life is hard. lets admit that. i have been let down alot in my life. at some points... we are all human. at others times-- people should really have stood up. some did not. difficult to accept., but in reality it happens. the thing is that i cannot keep holding onto those things although i want to soo bad.

a little while back- which seems like centuries ago, a friend made some decisions that i still disagree with. but the truth is... that although i disagree i also see both sides. it's not easy having a friendship which has continued to be needy for so long. recently-- the neediness has been different though, it's not a matter of turning to one friend continually except for christ. although i know that the need has been different- others have had no clue. but i mean it's ok. u know.. at no point have i have felt like i could not continue. we will still push.

people tell me that friendships come and go. that people change. i have heard it all. honestly-- excuses. just as i hear our pastor say that any marriage can work as long as you live according to the bible. i agree w/ friendships as well.

here's the cool thing though. i would not have had to opportunity to truly find me; although it's been hard. i thank you. i mean it would have been cool to have more a community to stand up and do what was right-- which i believed was right.. but also.. i look at community written from way back when- and i try to see what that means.... it should be identical. so yes.. they have let me down. yes they havent been there for me. yes- they could have done better-- but it's not about the past. its always moving forward.

and from a few blogs ago. i disagree. friends do exist and i do not desire to delete any time in my life. b/c it makes me to be me. it's real and it's bold and it's hard and its rough. it's no easy life.
i will continue to be hurt, let down, ignored, laughed at and cry more than ever before.. but i will smile, i will laugh and i will live. Without him there is nothing and i can do nothing.

my prayer

God has been doing some really cool hard core things in my heart. I was super jacked up and fighting what I know He wants me to do for the past few months.But I finally stopped fighting and trying to find an answer alone and i am finally seeing answers coming together. I find no coincidence that I find hardly any joy at work and my confidence in myself is the only thing holding me back from excelling as an amazing dispatcher. everything other than confidence is superb at work.... there are some decisions along with situations that will begin to occur in the next few weeks that may affect my next year or two. I have heard the Lord call me to something incredible and I think this is His way of having me let go of things and do what it is He has for me. There is still alot of things that need to change and occur for these things to happen [time, heart, patience, trust, money]....but this is my prayer- for it to be the right thing for me now. pray: I continue to listen to Him and really only Him cuz for so long I have let friends, family and work affect me and although they may influence they should not affect fully the decisions and calling of Christ.

I got to kick it w/ some solid friends from AZ and made some new ones recently. It was tight to say the least. God changed a bunch of things in my heart in a very short amount of time-- cuz i finally let Him and gave me some answers to things I had been trying to figure out for so long.
i think dreams are becoming more and more official. the next few weeks will be a time to make some big decisions in my life and I am excited.