Rest in Peace

Sedona, AZ, one of the most beautiful places in the state had a horrific scene recently. A Department of Public Safety officer and paramedic was killed Monday when he was struck by a helicopter blade while rescuing hikers who were disoriented, lost and stuck at the top of the mountain. So sad and depressing. Lift up his family, friends and co-workers. I can't imagine having to deal with something like this at work, but i know it happens with this line of duty. It's crazy but we can just continue to pray. For all the people that put their lives in dangerous situations to assist others from crime and disasters.

Air Rescue Ranger Helicopter based in Flagstaff responded to a request from the Sedona Fire Department and the Yavapai County Sheriff’s Office to assist with a search and rescue mission of two stranded and dehydrated hikers on Bear Mountain in the Bell Rock area. At about 1518 hours, Harolle had loaded one hiker and was escorting the second patient into the chopper when he was struck by the helicopter's rotor blades and fatally injured. Both hikers were flown to safety.

Once in this field of life, its never the same. It's difficult to understand or comprehend the things that happen in this enviornment, but it's amazing that we have and become these brothers and sisters in time of need. No matter where i go in life or what i do -- these memories and heart to serve people in time of need will never fade.

Rest in Peace Officer Harolle.

Never thought a puzzle was related to death

it's been a while.

last night work was a cluster.

let me give you a brief event of my night.

it's 2:14 we get a fight call. typical friday night call at SDSU.

the next transmission on my radio is one of my officers with

screaming and yelling in the background. He calls for medics to expedite

for a 20 year old subject who has been stabbed multiple times and is barely breathing.

I call medics, they are en route. Three other subjects have been stabbed, 1 with cuts to his face.

Medics arrive, more officers get there, SDPD responds, the helicopter responds. The suspects-still at large. Medical assistance is being given and look out my window, look at my camera screens and I see something i normally see in movies. multiple patrol cars blocking off the intersections and putting up tape. Then a dispatcher hears a crime code we don't always hear. The code for coroner's case. I was shocked, taken back and could hardly respond. My first critical incident. Tape is up. Murder scene on campus.

I was hardly able to respond to the officer as the acknowledgement of the subjects death.
Shocked and in disbelief. I breathe and think.

homicide.....

a murder?

a real death?
it's been a long time since someone was killed on campus. i was the radio dispatcher- i will never forget this. i've driven by the site now twice and it's still very errie. Just like the night i walked out of the front doors of my dept and saw... the fearing yellow tape, the homicide units en route, medics, engines, patrol cars all lined up and the body across the street laying there. Forensics and their team trying to piece this horriffic puzzle the next whole day. 48 hours. yes, just like the show.

ive been acting really weird since then. i havent slept much. hardly eaten anything and i am drained. it's been a weird week and i am tired.

american rights

there are very few things these days that can get me fired up and the topic below did it. i dont want to believe that it's just b/c of his ethnicity but i cannot lie-- i know it has something to do w/ it.


a valedictorian from a high school in Fresno is not allowed to go to college but he is being deported. it makes me so angry. he's on the top of his class, he's doing something great with his life, he is smart, he loves the j man, he does so much for his community and he's only 18. yes he is illegally here, but really ??? why do we give a fuck about deporting something obviously adding to the good of society. this is the american dream. it's OK if we keep millions of illegals that have cost tax payers billions of dollars, but here is Mr. great, who will do so much with his life, and what do want to do to him? allow him to graduate with his classmates and then ship him back to the homeland of armenia. Seriously, america? what the fuck. keep the assholes, the criminals, the rapists, the gang-members, the drug dealers of all the illegals and get rid of the smart, educated, goal-orientated ones. i think it's on purpose. we do not want the one who would do well to stay here and become someone and change this nation. we want to keep the dumb ones that work their entires lives to degrade our nation and to destroy our society. keep fighting for your rights. cheers

my elephant, my superwhatver, my desert

i've decided that i really love teaching people a lesson. but in reality it's not ok. it's not real and it's not right.

i do things selfishly. i avoid situations. i ignore. i listen. i choice the wrong path. i am wrong. i do not act like a christian. i am sinner.

i read this non-christian book recently called a god-shaped hole... and it made me see the hole that was made for him that can only be filled by him and we all have it. being unhealthy and seeing things in a weird light-- of what if i die soon, do i want it to end like this, do i have a choice? is it really my decision? no. none of it is.
everyday i wake up and i read how the women who bled for 12 yrs was healed. trusting likewise will happen to me. i have been let done alot.. and will continue to be let down but i know that i am not alone. there has been many times when i have felt as if no one else was fighting this fight with me.. but it's not true. recently... i had an awkward conversation that probably needed to happen a long time ago. alot of truth, frustrations and realness involved.

the last 5 months, i can say that i truly have been the most of every emotion i can feel. especially the most happiest since i was 18. for so long i have lived for others, let them be sort of who i am. every time, with friends, family, work.. etc. i feel like i went on this adventure recently that allowed me to find who i am. i have no need to be wanted by people, nor to have my options heard or listened to, but im not gonna lie- we love it.

ive rediscovered who i am and what i need to do, and who i belong to. i am me. it's funny how it takes something so difficult to make someone realize who they are. i have made some decisions in my life that will affect me forever. i have been extremely real with myself and people and it's been fantastic. i have asked for forgiveness and forgiven more. i've lived.

ok. ok. life is hard. lets admit that. i have been let down alot in my life. at some points... we are all human. at others times-- people should really have stood up. some did not. difficult to accept., but in reality it happens. the thing is that i cannot keep holding onto those things although i want to soo bad.

a little while back- which seems like centuries ago, a friend made some decisions that i still disagree with. but the truth is... that although i disagree i also see both sides. it's not easy having a friendship which has continued to be needy for so long. recently-- the neediness has been different though, it's not a matter of turning to one friend continually except for christ. although i know that the need has been different- others have had no clue. but i mean it's ok. u know.. at no point have i have felt like i could not continue. we will still push.

people tell me that friendships come and go. that people change. i have heard it all. honestly-- excuses. just as i hear our pastor say that any marriage can work as long as you live according to the bible. i agree w/ friendships as well.

here's the cool thing though. i would not have had to opportunity to truly find me; although it's been hard. i thank you. i mean it would have been cool to have more a community to stand up and do what was right-- which i believed was right.. but also.. i look at community written from way back when- and i try to see what that means.... it should be identical. so yes.. they have let me down. yes they havent been there for me. yes- they could have done better-- but it's not about the past. its always moving forward.

and from a few blogs ago. i disagree. friends do exist and i do not desire to delete any time in my life. b/c it makes me to be me. it's real and it's bold and it's hard and its rough. it's no easy life.
i will continue to be hurt, let down, ignored, laughed at and cry more than ever before.. but i will smile, i will laugh and i will live. Without him there is nothing and i can do nothing.

my prayer

God has been doing some really cool hard core things in my heart. I was super jacked up and fighting what I know He wants me to do for the past few months.But I finally stopped fighting and trying to find an answer alone and i am finally seeing answers coming together. I find no coincidence that I find hardly any joy at work and my confidence in myself is the only thing holding me back from excelling as an amazing dispatcher. everything other than confidence is superb at work.... there are some decisions along with situations that will begin to occur in the next few weeks that may affect my next year or two. I have heard the Lord call me to something incredible and I think this is His way of having me let go of things and do what it is He has for me. There is still alot of things that need to change and occur for these things to happen [time, heart, patience, trust, money]....but this is my prayer- for it to be the right thing for me now. pray: I continue to listen to Him and really only Him cuz for so long I have let friends, family and work affect me and although they may influence they should not affect fully the decisions and calling of Christ.

I got to kick it w/ some solid friends from AZ and made some new ones recently. It was tight to say the least. God changed a bunch of things in my heart in a very short amount of time-- cuz i finally let Him and gave me some answers to things I had been trying to figure out for so long.
i think dreams are becoming more and more official. the next few weeks will be a time to make some big decisions in my life and I am excited.

Failure

I have never felt so much as a failure as I have the last four months.
I feel as thou everything I have touched doesn't turn to gold, but in fact is rusting.

I have never felt so insecure, depressed, incompetent and unstable in my life.
My emotions vary so much daily. My job sucks!
I guess I thought I was going to love it, but training is the hardest thing I have ever had to do on multiple levels. Physically-my brain is fried there is so much to take in and understand that I want to pull my hair out.
Maybe I am just not cut-out to be a dispatcher. It's so hard. Emotionally-I am the most emotional person i know. I show up to work and just want to cry- because i have never been this bad at anything in my life. Physiologically-I am feeling not stable and continuously repeat things in my mind and can't get them out... calls, phone reports, incidents, and officers voices. Spiritually- i have no clue what I believe... I feel like I am losing it. My mind and my faith. I'm supposed to feel assured that He is with me at all times, but when I'm sitting at work, i don't even want to call out His name because we haven't talked in a while. All I eat, drink and think about is work.

It doesn't help that I don't have any close friends right now... that live in san diego.
Apparently the ones I've had needed to walk out from my life.
I haven't seen my "close" friends or roommates in 5 weeks.
I sleep in my car but no one knows that because I don't think they care.
chemo+hard night-shift job+ friendships lost= lost lucy
some people tell me to quit my job because of my health, but I can't afford life without it- no one else supports me. Not even my own mother. I can't ask her for a dime & other people aren't paying my bills.

I don't think I'm going to pass training because honestly I feel like I suck.
People can tell me I am being to hard on myself... but I know that I am usually good at all things-- and maybe dispatching isn't it. My boss told me that if I don't pass training that I no longer will have a job. That scares me. I'm going to give it two months because I feel like I can't succeed in anything in life.

tired of singing the sad songs in my head

I'm waiting up for you to rescue me,
To come around and cover everything,
Relying on my best memories
To breathe for me, breathe for me
So much better than all of this, all of this
I'm tired of singing all the sad songs in my head
But I can't find enough of anything to drown out what you said
And sometimes I find I catch my self letting you back in
And I'm so tired of singing all these sad songs in my head
'Cause I can still smell summer on your skin,
And I can still remember giving in
Wrapped all up in your hips, and in your sheets
Felt great falling, great falling
So much better than all of this, all of this
I'm tired of singing all the sad songs in my head,
But I can't find enough of anything to drown out what you said
And sometimes I find I catch myself letting you back in
And I'm so tired of singing all sad songs in my head
I feel so faded, so far gone
That nothing surprises me anymore
I feel so faded, so far gone
Nothing surprises me anymore
Not much better now, now
I'm tired of singing all the sad songs in my head
But I can't find enough of anything to drown out what you said
And sometimes I find I catch myself letting you back in
And I'm so tired of singing all the sad songs in my head
The sad songs in my head

I'm so tired
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