N.O.L.A.

new orleans,louisana
mission: gut houses
flight + quality inn: too much $$
memories & affect:priceless

We arrived to nola on sunday early evening and i ended up having to rent the car, an ugly red-four-door, no power sports car. We had a meeting, split into teams and then got our sites. 3 houses in four days. pretty good. the things that i saw in this week are almost undescribeable. words can hardly explain how crappy i feel... still. it is so hard to understand n grief about this devastation. incredibly hard.
at first, i was hesistant into going, i was nervous into going to the unknown for myself and i was scared. the longest flight i had been on, very nerve wrecking and exhausted. our first day was interesting. we split into teams and i was not sure how i felt about that. sort of good knowing i was not going to be in tension mode all day. that was not fun at all. we arrived to our first scene 2117... it was destroyed. i wasnt sure what was really going on with it, it seemed... different. houses right next to it seemed ok. well by ok, i mean they had a roof and walls. this one didnt. it was small chunks of cement and brick and concrete everywhere. things were hard to spot, all the plumming was all over the place. i found some explosives and found a part that of the house that seemed burned. it's strange, sending ten people to a site with really not knowing what to do. But i think we did well. we worked hard and were done pretty much with half the day left. We did what we could and cleaned it out. found a gun, some needles and explosives, with no roof- we got the name team asteroid. at the end of the day we had connected so much with our team. i looked up and just saw everyone laughing and i thought to myself- this is going to be a good week. new friends. i am always looking for more?? i dunno why but usually i end up with more than i can allow myself to have and spend time with.
ok. ok. so the second house was crazy. the guys on our team were amazing. i dont think i will ever forget busting out in singing songs so loud that it drove paul crazy. ben's childs play. david's sacrasm and humor, erin's hard work, morgans well... driving skills, jacyln's joy, jen's ecouragement, tori's team leadership, and ryan doing his own thing. we pulled apart the second house. it was owned by the church. everytime we even had the close remote chance of getting to meet the owners i feel like i was shafted of that idea.. i wanted to go off and not only do a bunch of physical work but i wanted to talk to people. i wanted to know how they felt, how they were feelings, how they have been affected, hurt, and changed. i wont forget Country Kevin as he sat on the porch by the cars those two days. i dont want to be one of those white people that came to just help for a week. i am bleeding inside. it hasnt stopped. i get up 3-4 days a week from the middle of my sleep to just pray. i cant live the same anymore. i hope that on the outside i am changed too, not just my heart. it was amazing to get to tak to a few people here and there, those i feel like are things i love knowing. going into the bar to use the bathroom was so cool. no not the bar. it was so great to see the joy people still had... the small smile that came out of their faces. the way they welcomed us in and as we tried to pay them for just coming in and using the bathroom like ten times, they wouldnt take it. they told us that we were already helping and that they didnt need our money. i wonder at all how they think that comes off. like.. some white girl is going to come into my town to help, but then they come in to use the bathroom and try to pay us for it and although i am so not that person- i know it came off that way. here... i have this and i dont need it as much as you b/c i am white or not from new orleans.. so take it. that made me sick. i dont think i have felt more white than on this trip. i didnt really think it was funny that i was the mexican on the team... b/c i was the only one w/ color. ya, i know it was a bug joke.. and it makes sense but it was weird to see how b/c i was the darkest on my team... i still felt white. or more so than i usually or ever have. it's not that the black people here are way darker than any of my friends or people in sd, but when you come with a group of white kids to a black neighborhood there is obviously something wrong in the situation. either we are lost, we are helping with new orleans or we must be doing something illegal. makes me so sad.
oour third house was way too real. all the furniture and lives and souls were still iin the house. it had never been touched for the last two years. rotting. molding and growing weary with no one paying any attention to it. the neighborhood looked like it was doing ok. it is so scary for my mind to fathom the destruction that so much water can do. i think i keep imagining like a big tornado... which isnt even true but i dont know what a hurricane, a big one looks like. i dont understand and that scares me. it's so much more real when you see everything someone has every owned in their life... gone. within a day. gone. two years later... still gone. this house was big. a four-bedroom big country down south house. with bricks. the inside was a disaster. every room still had it's anqiue decorations, the first-aid kit on the kitchen counter... looked like people were in real need of help. looked like they were just trying to run out. flashlight on the ground by the door... looking for a way out. looking for the light. this house was hard work. i started coughing alot, hasnt really gone away. But what has really not gone away is how much my heart hurts. i dont know how everyone else feels and i feel alone.
it's crazy that loneliness is my next study with the girls. we found very meaningful things and it was just crazy putting this puzzle together. the lives of people... who they were. i thought to myself. i wonder what if this happened to me.. then what would it be that people would find in my life. what things would they use to define who i am or who i was. i wanted to come back and throw everything i own on the floor. take it away. please... dont let me care about the things that dont matter.
ya.. we went to these fun places to see things and shop and this and that- but it just made me sick. i didnt want to do anything for myself. i was super frustrated and wanted to just throw up. in a few fights. too much tension and i had gotten lost the morning before. apparently directions were not my skill either.
one of my favorite things was our last night, when we met Sandra Anderson. It was amazing. we got to talk to her for a little bit. prayed for her. gave her at least 50 bucks, some food and my sweater. im bummbed she didnt meet w/ us the next day but i just hope and pray everyday that she's doing ok. i feel so crappy. come do some work, enjoy their beauty and leave.. all within 6 days. makes me feel like crap. i dont like it.
coming back has sucked alot. i dont think anyone else is on the same page as me and it seems to much to talk about. i havent even been able to talk about how i feel. i am just off. i dont want things. friends dont get me right now. i am just so shutdown and i hate that i cant really share. or that i wont share. or that no one will ask b/c... my number one issue- i wont tell. everyday i look at my pictures and if there were a word that means more than jacked...then i think i would be there.
daily i get sick. i havent been able to eat too well and i think the fact that i dont have too much money right now makes it so much more real. real hard and allows me to think of other's people's lives and struggles. we found some cool things in the last house. a bible, some plates, crazy newspapers from 1943.. talking about WWII, letter with 15 cent stamps. what we found were lives. broken hearts, homes and lives.
i also miss my team alot.
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i lost it in the 9th ward. it was too much. it was too real. i couldnt hold myself. we saw this tree. pulled over and then split apart. i left. i ran. i felt like i was running towards my father and asking him to just hold his arms out and pull me in. i was running for safety. i found a road to a dead end and went and sat in the middle. i got on my knees and cried for like 15 minutes. i cried and weeped. i couldnt hold it in. i couldnt think. i didnt care and i am sure my friends were looking for me. the grass has grown 2-3 feet high. i was hiding. i didnt want to be w/ people. i couldnt feel. i was numb. i have been numb. i havent felt in a really long time.